Lost Faith

I left my previous relationship without realizing how much it has affected me, in so many fucking ways. All the years of being with that guy, i just shut everything hurtful said to me at the back of my mind, hoping that i'll just forget it. At that moment i really do forget, but it still affects me even up till now. Happy memories, i can only think of a handful. Hurtful things i could list until the day after tomorrow. Not even exaggerating.

Anyone could tell me that they fucking hate me, they stopped loving me, they are bored of me, they want me to get lost, they think my clothes look terrible, i look like shit without my fringe, they regret being with me, and i'll immediately believe what they say. No second thoughts. I'm just used to that. It seems more like reality to me.
Yet, it's so difficult to trust, believe and not doubt a plain and simple "i love you" from the guy i love now. It's terrible but i already start thinking of how long it'll be before it changes to a "fuck off" or whatever. It's just too hard for me to accept that it's for real. I can only remember words from my ex "i used to think that you're perfect but after i've seen your flaws i can no longer love you like before". I wouldn't be surprised with history repeating itself, or maybe i'm no longer able to believe in true love anymore. I'm tainted by so many words from the past it's ridiculous.

Just an example from today, i wore a top my ex said was damn weird, questioning me why i always wear such weird outfits. I never once wore it again (and this goes for so many other clothes i had). It's only my second time wearing it since he said it was weird and i got that top like 1 over year ago. It took me so long just to decide whether to wear it cause all that came to my mind when i held the top in my hands was "why do you wear such weird outfits".

Boyfriend and i had a movie marathon today. I was so alert during all 3 movies we watched. I used to have the habit of daydreaming after awhile and maybe miss mini details of the movie/anime cause i'm tired or the movie is just plain boring, so i'll question like who is this guy or whatever, but my ex would say things like "wtf you watch already then you also never catch it then you watch for what?" or he'll accuse me for not truly having interest in the movie and then ever since that incident he said things like "aiya you watch already also won't understand" etc so we end up not watching the movie at all cause i'm a dumb fuck who can't understand a single shit in his opinion. Even just watching a movie now is so stressful for me. Even though i know my current boyfriend wouldn't ever say such a thing to me, but i don't even want such thoughts to cross his mind. I never EVER want to be seen as a dumb fuck with no common sense (as my ex always says) in my boyfriend's eyes.

Boyfriend likes to push my fringe up, i dont know for what reason actually. I act as if he's trying to cut me with a knife or something i just immediately turn my head down or shove his hand away or whatever just to avoid my fringe being lifted up. I can never forget the one fine day, around 2 years back when my ex and i were supposed to go to jurong with his friends for some work thing after my school but after we met up at bishan, he just asked me to go home (actually he just begged me not to go with him,he doesnt really care where the fuck i go) cause i looked too ugly with my fringe up. LOL that didn't hurt my feelings at all cause i have no feelings in his opinion. I won't forget how i rushed home to bathe so i could put my fringe down and then cab all the way to jurong from bishan. If i didn't remember wrongly it was around 1pm and the cab fare cost me around $20. I'm still ok with my friends who have seen me without my fringe, see me without my fringe. But ever since that incident, i'm not ok with people who have never seen me without my fringe, see me without my fringe. I'll only remember that it's hideous. If the wind blows my hair, i must make sure my fringe is plastered to my forehead. If my hair is screwed up, i need to wash it so my fringe is in place. If my boyfriend wants to see my fringe up, he has to kill me first. That's just how i feel. If my boyfriend ever says i look fine without my fringe i'll probably just think that he's trying to make me feel better.

People always have the impression of me being rather carefree and simple-minded. They have the impression that i don't think very deep but they don't know what the fuck goes through my head. Just moving on to a new relationship and being so happy, but they don't even know how i'm still so fucking affected in every way. They really think it's so easy? Why not you try being in such a relationship for 4 years and tell me if you can just be carefree and absolutely unaffected even when you've moved on. I'm so affected in every single way. Everything that i do has a disgusting tainted memory to it. Just 1 simple day spent with my boyfriend today and i can list out 3 examples of how i became so much more self conscious and there's actually more than just that from today. So so so many examples but i don't want to type out those terrible memories cause they're really just too...cruel. Yes, cruel.

Those days whereby i could just go like "aww" when my exes says super sweet stuff and feel only happiness inside is GONE. I have so much fear, so much doubt in everything that is too good to be true every single day. I can't keep the negative thoughts out anymore even if i don't mention them.

I just feel so bad towards my boyfriend having doubts in him even though he's by far the most sincere person that i've ever known of. He really means everything that he says and by doubting him i'm just hurting him and hurting myself at the same time. It's been almost 2 months since we got together but until now things haven't gotten any better. He doesn't like seeing me with my low self esteem but i just can't help it. My low self esteem and all my doubts are really just affecting my relationship so much. I HATE IT.

I'm dying for amnesia, i really am. I just want all that bullshit memories wiped out. How do i forget such things when they hurt me so much? I don't even know if they will go away. I'm just extremely afraid they wouldnt. I still remember all those cruel things said and done even from 3 years back when that relationship first started off. I can remember them word for word.

Honestly speaking, i dont care that much if i have low self esteem and i doubt everything, hurting only myself.but being this way affects my relationship so much and i've hurt my boyfriend so much just being this way. All the fucking nasty negative thoughts that cross my mind come to me automatically. What do i do? What can i do?