Ritche's Birthday Surprise // Meet Up Session // Park Royal Buffet

HEY GUYS.
Ritche's birthday was a few days ago and i already had plans for him since a few months back and i was SO happy the plans went as planned :) we both enjoyed ourselves a lot so i'm really happy! But i really think it could have been better. If only i were overseas like taipei or something i'm pretty sure i can plan out a more interesting birthday surprise. I can already think of quite a few things to do in taipei without thinking sigh i miss that place so much.

Starting off the crazy ass long post with my favourite selfie HAHAHA

Oh ya not to forget, Ginger's first birthday falls on the same day as Ritche's so we celebrated it a day in advance hehe. I think it's pretty cool how they share the same birthday and i share the same birthday with his mom. Like a few minutes after i met Ritche for the first time,i already asked for his birthday and i realized this weird similarity. It was like,he answered "24th July" and i was like OHH SAME AS MY DOG. I think that's the very first question i asked him (which is kinda weird coming to think of it).he must have thought that i'm a weirdo HAHA.

Went to NEX's pet shop to get the doggy cake! I didn't know we humans can actually eat the cake wtf.i really thought it'll be like dog food inside the cake or something but it's just normal cake without sugar! I COULD HAVE BAKED IT MYSELF.

hehe look at that look on her face SHE IS JUST SO CUTE PLEASE.she just seems so surprised/happy and confused at the same time hehe.

SO CUTEEEEE

made her wait super long before allowing her to dig in cause we were all spamming photos HAHAHA but shit she really looks too cute here

At around 5pm, i lied to Ritche that i'll be out to meet a friend so he'll have to go home and then i would have had time to carry out a list of things to do in preparation for his birthday! I went on and took 4 HOURS TO MAKE A CARD wtf seriously. It was still daytime when i started making it and i did it until it was night time.but i think it was pretty worth it cause the card turned out quite pretty ah.see for yourselves. :') thought of the whole jigsaw idea myself ok.

I stacked a few pieces of coloured paper and traced the design on the first piece before cutting every piece one by one. Just the cutting and designing part took me more than an hour to complete already.

Pasted every piece with double sided tape against the white paper

my hands were super tired when it came to the outlining part and it was shaking so much omg i had such a hard time here i swear i'll never do this again.

hardest part about writing the card was just keeping my handwriting neat that's all.i really wish i could write more to my dearest boyfriend cause i still have so much more to say to him,but the space left on the card was so little i had no choice :( look at how small my words were already.LOL.

Rushed my way to J8 to get a cake for him cause it was almost 10pm by the time i reached there! Initially,i had other plans for him but they couldn't be carried out.if not i would have definitely gotten a cake from Sheraton Towers cause they have super yummy cheesecakes.i'm sure he'll love it! Ended up getting a cheesecake from FourLeaves instead oh well.

Got his parents to open the door for me so i could sneak into his house to surprise him :D
and so my boyfriend turned 23! <3

Woke up super early that morning because love had to get his visa done for our europe trip in october I CANT WAIT i've never been there! but i dont even know when we'll be leaving for europe cause he's so bad with dates.first he tells me 17th,then 19th then now its apparently 20th already. LOL.it'll be our very first actual overseas trip together and i'm sure it'll be a lot of fun.

My very first plan started at 12pm and we had an hour to spare so i dragged him to camwhore for an hour LOL.he had no idea what i had in mind for the entire day so i was just being super ridiculous and lying to him all the way,trying to trick him into thinking i didn't have any plans for 3 hrs etc. HAHAHA.i even asked him to choose between having lunch at macs,kfc and subway HAHAHA.i even told him we had to walk 2-3hours to reach our destination LOL.

he was supposed to imitate my facial expression in the end his smile became so fake haha

My very first plan that day was to have international buffet at Carousel located at "royal plaza on scotts"! i obviously did my research beforehand and it seems that carousel has quite good reviews so i made reservations in advance :D
Ritche really loves international buffet so i thought he'll enjoy having lunch there.and he really did :) i'm so glad i made a right choice to bring him there.i had a really great time there too hehe.our very first buffet together apart from the swensen's ice cream buffet.

SEAFOOD *Dies

Almost everything was as yummy as it looks and i loved the soft shell crab and lamb shanks the most! their roasted duck or whatever thingy was really quite good too. I was quite disappointed by their ice cream though. But their buffet was really the best i've ever had. I would definitely want to go back one day for dinner buffet cause there'll be more variety! Hungry just typing this out even though i just had dinner sigh.

Their service was really good too btw.i made online reservations so they asked for what occasion and so they knew it was ritche's birthday.they served a cake and even took a photo for us and emailed it to me! it was super cute of them but they made this ugly border around the photo so it's pretty ugly haha but still super thoughtful!

Second plan started at 3pm and i made reservations for Kbox at cineleisure till 7pm! hehe he totally didn't expect this.he kept thinking we were going to the lan place upstairs to play maple or something -_-

when taking this photo i was saying "EH STOP EATING STOP EATING,LEAVE SPACE FOR DINNER!"

but he went on stuffing his mouth with all the crackers like a hamster until i OI him HAHAHAHA look at that face DAMN CUTE LA.it's ritche's "why you stop me from eating? D':" face HAHAHA.

i actually took quite a few videos of us singing songs like yue ding, tong hua, wei ni xie shi together LOL but they can't be uploaded idk why oh well.my boyfriend can actually sing quite a few chinese songs leh i'm impressed.sadly there are limited english songs as per normal and so he didn't have that many choices.

Boyfriend and i really love Marche a lot so i made reservations there as well.but i was super disappointed by marche that day :( the queue was ridiculously long (15 people in front of me for the rosti) and i really didn't mind queuing if the food was good but it was very bad.

I ordered the rosti which was so-so and the crepe which used to be very good but was SUPER FAIL that day.the crepe was like a pancake leh.the bananas in the crepe were still cold cause the cook probably just took it out of the fridge or something. It was just as bad as crepes could get la lol. I'm probably never ever going to Marche anymore or i'll just go to another outlet instead of 313 in future.

We were still full from our buffet lunch so we didn't eat much (lucky us if not there'll be more disappointments!)

The very last plan that day was Despicable Me 2 in Cathay's Platinum Movie Suites! It was our very first experience ever and i tell you,it's SUPER DUPER shiok.

Usually when you enter the cinema you'll just see like seat numbers from 1-12 and 13-24.you'll never see just 4 seats! i think i'm the only one who actually notices such lame things sigh.

Look at how spacious it is!

There are inclined sofa seats and a side table and lamp,with blankets and a pillow provided for you.the sound system seems to be better as well.i really want to try Gold Class by GV and compare the two of them! but i'm guessing that cathay is better la hor?

Outfits of the day! I'm wearing the dress le boyfriend bought for me.isn't it pretty?!

Love is wearing the shirt i got him hehe.

typing the whole plan out really makes it seem quite lame and simple,like anyone could think of it but we still had a lot of fun idk why.but whatever it is,i'm just glad we did! i'm already starting to worry what to do on his birthday next year LOL.
honestly,i've never planned any of my exs' birthdays.i just end up meeting them and go like "what do you feel like doing" and it's usually just a simple present or just an impromptu movie and nothing else.not even a nice meal out or anything like that before.but i just felt that Ritche deserves so much more than that.so i wanted to give him the best i could and i hope i did a good job! I just want to see him happy and that's really more than enough for me. :) I love you dearest,happy birthday again!

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Went to meet le friends for dinner at the crepe shop that daisy's working at! It's located at thomson plaza.they even give free macarons i think or is it just that daisy gave us free macarons i have no idea.

Went to have ice cream after!

It's quite sad to think that mabel, rachael and tonglin will be leaving singapore for years in less than a month/slightly more than a month.and as for daisy,just in a year.i'm going to be the only one left in singapore while all of them are leaving for their studies overseas. Not as if i would want to go overseas to study because i really don't want to but idk I'LL MISS THEM SO MUCH.i've known them for 6 years which is like 1/3 of my life already.we have shared so many memories together,from the day i was still super skinny in SOTA till now when we've graduated. I don't even know when i'll see them again. They are all going to different countries some more :( some of them might not even be coming back...

I'm left all alone already so sad.


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Random international buffet day at Park Royal with my parents and their friends! Crazy leh serious,having 2 international buffets in a week.i think i'll just grow so fat no one can recognize me anymore.

I heard the international buffet at Park Royal is supposed to be quite good but it's nothing compared to carousel LOL.the only thing i really enjoyed was their chocolate cake though but i really couldn't have another slice.my stomach was hurting so much from eating too much HAHAHA.

Okay i'm just so tired from typing such a long post so bye for now.
I'm launching stylehacks' next collection very soon! i just got the stocks today. :D
Till next time!

StyleHacks' First Orders / Fun Week

Hey guys!
I've really been quite depressed during the first half of this week cause i received like 0 orders for StyleHacks lol.i really didn't expect business to be good but didn't expect it to be THAT bad oh well.

I wrote a long post on my facebook shop and quite a few of them (like 7-8 of them) actually just wrote a facebook status asking people to go visit my shop! i was seriously very touched by their actions i didn't see that coming haha. Thank you for taking the initiative really. Through that i got like 3 customers in total for StyleHacks' collection 1 and sold 5 items. That's like 5% of what i brought in for collection 1 LOL but i guess it's better than nothing!

I really REALLY need to think of a new advertising and marketing strategy asap. I really hate reading but seems like i have no choice but to go to the library and read up on it.
I'm even thinking of being a mooncake promoter for a month starting from mid Aug just so that i can earn money to buy stocks for StyleHacks. I'll do ANYTHING just to make sure the blogshop business works out. I'm really quite sick of such jobs though haha thought i'll never do it again but seems like i'm wrong.

After getting so far,having Ritche done so many things,i cannot let it fail. If any kind reader has very good suggestions with the exception of sponsoring famous bloggers please let me know via comments or email me at meloided@hotmail.com! I'll really appreciate it haha but hopefully it's something different from what many people have suggested to me already.

It's been so long since i uploaded a selfie on my blog or upload any proper photos at all LOL i'm sorz.
Photos from Thursday!

Went to have an impromptu meet up with grace just randomly walking around as usual cause we are always too focused on chatting instead LOL.

Grace said that i've become fatter since i got together with Ritche.she said my face is damn chubby and i can join her in the roundround club WTF.
sigh,my diet is really failing me cause i'm seriously hungry 24/7 plus i havent had the time to exercise. Really have to head over to the swimming pool/gym asap leh.

I did go and compare my modeling with the usual livejournal's and i'm just really so damn fucking fat in comparison to their models. I am indeed of normal weight but idk,am i suppposed to be underweight to look better in clothes? *deep in thought*

Went off to meet le boyfriend and his friends in the evening for dinner and pool at scape!
They thought they're yan dao/kpop stars leh what is this?!!!

Aileen is so tiny i look like a giant next to her even though i'm really the younger one SIGH sucks to be me haha.

Boyfriend looking so professional

A very failed attempt in taking a group shot with his friends LOL we took around 10 photos but this is the least awkward one.it is SO obvious they do not ever take group shots together what the hell.

This is the group of people that lead me to meet this lovely idiot i'm dating right now one fine night (shall not elaborate HAHAHA go make your wild guesses).one of the worst ways of meeting your other half but haha i'm sure i met the best guy in the world already so who cares how we met?

Friday was our 3rd monthsary so we went out for good food :D
Outfit of the day, floral romper and my favourite item from StyleHacks,the daisies laced bag! (not trying to promote my shop but i seriously love the bag so much haha)

hi my dearest gougou~

Boyfriend always complains about how i always cut his hair off from the photos we take together.HAHAHA i'm sorry la but i'm not used to taking pictures with tall people mah tsk. (or i'm just short la huh)

One of my favourite photos of us hehe.tsk almost any photo taken with you is my favourite photo.

Firstly we headed to orchard central and took like an hr just to decide what to eat there. We went to every single restaurant and stood outside thinking if we should eat there HAHA.most of them were just ridiculously crowded and we were both getting so hungry LOL.
We ended up walking to Mandarin Gallery to look for food instead! Again,we went to every restaurant to look at their menu (omg what is our problem).we really have troubles with making decisions especially when it comes to food. I guess we both can't stand an unsatisfying meal that's why!

We ended up having dinner at Wild Honey (did i get that right i'm so bad with names) and we both had "Scandinavian" which is salmon with rosti! I really enjoyed this meal. I just felt that the mix of everything, the tasty tomato (wtf i still can't believe i thought that was good cause i absolutely HATE tomatoes), the rosti with cheese sauce i think, and the salmon is really just (Y). It's probably a 7/10 in my opinion.
I really can't wait to go back there for dinner again and try out their other dishes! I hardly enjoy my meals cause i think my expectations for food may be a bit too high so this is a must go place :)

Le boyfriend with the raw brain looking drink. LOL.eh i seriously love the drink but i'm so bad with names i can't remember what it's called. Just order the one thats $9 with raspberry and banana. Freaking weird mix but it turned out SO good.remember to bring your jacket though or you could  just shiver your way out of the building (like me).

Ritche's birthday is coming in 3 days OMG panic attack. I know, i know i shouldnt be so stressed up over a birthday but i can't help it. When i really want something to be perfect, i just get really stressed up naturally. I just really want him to have the best birthday he could ever have! so i've been working very hard on it and being oh so sneaky cause i'm always with him but yet i have to plan things out like how the hell do i do that with him next to me right. I have never ever spent so much time just on planning a birthday. Actually, i've never ever planned my bf's birthdays before haha. Just hope all goes well.

Oh ya did i mention how he has the same birthday as ginger? HAHA 24th July and she'll be turning 1!

I'll update again especially on his birthday! will make sure to take tons of photos hehe. Till then!

Setting up of StyleHacks

Hey guys!
Tsk,i really wanted to first post on my blog that i'm naming my blogshop as "StyleHacks" before uploading it all over twitter and instagram but i failed to do so as i've been so SO SO busy with my webstore. Go check it out (even though it's not fully completed but it has been 3 days' worth of work thusfar) @ www.stylehacks.net! Do follow us on @StyleHacks over twitter and instagram for more updates regarding the promotions, giveaways and sneak peeks. Do like the facebook page as well. Every support given is really appreciated :)

I'm actually super tired right now and all i want to do is to go to bed but i really have so much on my mind i need to type it all out.

On saturday i did my photoshoot and it took a crazy duration of 6 hours to complete. Boyfriend was there to do the whole setting up of the tripod, backdrop, photography, getting rid of the shoe stains after i step on the backdrop, helping me ensure my clothes/bag are in place, ironing ALL the clothes for me again cause i really failed to do so properly plus packing up the whole set up after we were done.
I really felt so guilty because i didn't want him to do so much work to begin with. I really underestimated the difficulty of the whole photoshoot. It's seriously not easy at all.

Honestly speaking,i was super worried about the photoshoot not for the set up,outcome of the pictures or whatsoever,but for the lack of confidence to model.
I really thought i couldn't do it. I can't stand people taking photos of me how could i ever model?! But with Ritche sitting in front of me with that tripod and camera just waiting patiently for me to be ready with a pose,i just had no choice but to force myself to put my shyness and insecurities aside and do things properly. Like i seriously can't drag on and be all shy and irritating after he sacrificed his time to help me with it. I could somehow feel comfortable with the photoshoot even though he's right there watching the whole thing. I just guess it's because of all the assurance, bits of confidence and all the support he has given me over the past 2 months and 3 weeks we've been together.
I really can't thank him more for that. Like that,is exactly what i really needed.

I really think,that my confidence is back at a more normal-human-being level. I really think it is. I thought i'll never be able to look at myself without criticizing at every damn thing. But i probably can now, i dont know how but i fucking love it. Maybe i might just have confidence someday!

Even though i had feedback the next day from a professional photographer (my uncle) that my photo quality and all is a lil unprofessional and the lighting of the photos are really bad so i have to do it all over again (so the whole 6hr long photoshoot was pretty much for nothing),but i guess i can or i will do better in my next photoshoot. I really have to!



On sunday,ritche was already working on my website from the moment he woke up (while i was still sound asleep) at like what,10am??? He worked on it all the way till we went out at 6pm and he still continued working on it on his mobile. <<< ultimate,siao liao,too serious
Today, before we went out in the morning for his medical appointment, he was STILL working on the website until we were actually late for his appointment cause he refused to go out without completing something for the site. We rushed back home instead of staying out because he wanted to work on the website!!! omgwtf.

OMG LEH THIS BOY.he spent at least a total of 26hours (or more) working on my website over the past 2days even though i really didn't ask him to do ANYTHING AT ALL plus despite all the work that's required for it,he didn't even complain. Not.even.once. He didn't even seem very frustrated. He works on the website as if he's gaming. I would definitely have been damn frustrated and agitated working on the website lol these html shit is just too difficult for me or i really can't find the patience to do it.

I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW HE DOES THAT.i really can't understand how he can be so willing to put in so much effort when at the end of the day it's all just for me. As he was working on the website,i could do nothing but to use my phone,give a bit of opinions here and there and contribute to nothing but he didn't even care. I honestly just feel so damn freaking guilty watching him sacrifice so much of his time on my website.
Just like any other guy,he LOVES gaming. Even after downloading a new game on his computer recently and dying to play it he still focused all of his time on my website instead. It has really been 0 gaming for the past few days.

AND SERIOUSLY,he's damn talented and i never knew he was so creative leh.i don't know how he can be so good at web designing and editing. He just figures anything and everything out.i really can't think of anything that he can't figure out since the day we got together.

Sigh,i really hope one day,me,this useless girlfriend,can really do so much for him just like how he has done for me. Ultimate boyfriend leh seriously ultimate boyfriend. No one has EVER done so much for me,no one has EVER not complained about helping me. Like anyone would definitely have kp-ed and started saying like "wah see i help you so much" etcetc "what do i get?" wtf.

Working with my boyfriend on the webstore over the past 3 days just made me feel so much closer to him somehow. I already felt like i've known him for years just shortly after we got together but now it feels like i've known him since forever.
There's just so much to this relationship that differs from every other,i don't think it's ever possible for me to walk away from it. I just feel so happy and blessed every single day without fail. The dates do not have to be eventful, just plain simple or just nothing at all. Yet, there's still so much love to it.

I am pretty sure that there are many people with failed relationships (like me) who have given up all hopes on guys/girls. I really thought i'll never meet a perfect guy for me (i dont mean perfect as making no mistakes) but now i really have. Just remember never to settle for less than you deserve and remember to go to hell if you've been a bitch/ass hole. Just never ever be like me in my previous relationship, accepting all the shit and thinking it'll improve in time to come cause no it never did even after waiting for 3 years and 5 months. The duration of the relationship should never be in consideration to me. If a person is sincere towards you, they'll never make such a big mistake anyway. If you're really so important to them,why would they risk losing you? Just look at all that Ritche has done for me and you know ultimate boyfriends do exist hehe. Go and get your own Ritche today! HAHAHA shit this sounds like an advert for my boyfriend nono he's mine.

Wanted to write a short post just to clear my mind but seems like that took me 3 hours to type LOL.
OKAY i still have a whole lot of things to do for the next few days before the launch,tentatively on sunday and giveaway event starting on friday!

Till next time :)

Busy Month

WOAH it's been almost a month since i typed a post.really feels kinda weird doing one short one now.lol.

I've been spending the whole month getting busy with my online shop that's going to be open really soon (probably sometime this week) i seriously cannot wait. :)

Opening an online shop really isn't as easy as i thought it would be. I'm actually super worried about many issues sigh.like i'm really hoping it can be as professional as possible like with the shopping cart,check out thingy and with a pretty, neat and proper layout for the whole site.
BUT i know i have my clever boyfriend to help me with my website so for that,i'm really super relieved cause that's what i'm worst at.
PLUS, i havent received some of the stocks PLUS i havent started taking pictures.

One of the things i'm most worried about is modelling the clothes. I mean like,i've been doing that for 2 years on a facebook shop but i never once revealed my face. I really can't imagine myself modelling wtf. Plus boyfriend would be taking the photos how awkward is that. I can't even stand him taking a photo of me already what makes me think i can model so many clothes in front of him?! WTF.
NOT JUST THE PHOTO TAKING THAT'S SCARING ME,what if the photos don't turn out nice?!!!!!
LIKE YOU KNOW,the fucking fail model-looking photos?!!! the superly awkward looking photos/models???!!!!
I'VE SEEN TONS OF THOSE and i really REALLY do not want myself to be one of that.i've been thinking of this EVERY NIGHT since like over a month ago.

Money really has been an issue. I spent 4 digits just buying stocks and guess what i haven't made a single cent lol and what if i make a loss. I'm really thinking of making this part of my career long term. I just really, really, REALLY cannot fail.

I've also been considering the name for my shop. I already thought of one (i'll tell you guys what it is on the next post) but boyfriend thinks its weird, some people say its "cool", some people say its okay and i really don't know. I think i kinda like it?but i dont know if its catchy enough.

Shit,i better start getting busy again.
Will write another post up really soon. Till then.

Happy Birthday Grace!

Hey best friend! This video is dedicated to you for your birthday.
I remember you told me 5 months back that you really like this piece and you wanted it for your birthday. You couldnt even provide me with the actual name for this song so i've been trying to look for the scores and i finally found it :) I hope you like it! It took me exactly 18hours to practice, record, collate, edit and upload the video. Sweet or not?

We have tons of ugly photos together especially those from 5 years back (yes i still have them) but i chose those that you look prettier in ok.hehe.

Special thanks to Ritche Lance for helping me with my numerous technical difficulties and sitting through all 18hours of my stressful practicing, recording and editing of the piece and video.

Lost Faith

I left my previous relationship without realizing how much it has affected me, in so many fucking ways. All the years of being with that guy, i just shut everything hurtful said to me at the back of my mind, hoping that i'll just forget it. At that moment i really do forget, but it still affects me even up till now. Happy memories, i can only think of a handful. Hurtful things i could list until the day after tomorrow. Not even exaggerating.

Anyone could tell me that they fucking hate me, they stopped loving me, they are bored of me, they want me to get lost, they think my clothes look terrible, i look like shit without my fringe, they regret being with me, and i'll immediately believe what they say. No second thoughts. I'm just used to that. It seems more like reality to me.
Yet, it's so difficult to trust, believe and not doubt a plain and simple "i love you" from the guy i love now. It's terrible but i already start thinking of how long it'll be before it changes to a "fuck off" or whatever. It's just too hard for me to accept that it's for real. I can only remember words from my ex "i used to think that you're perfect but after i've seen your flaws i can no longer love you like before". I wouldn't be surprised with history repeating itself, or maybe i'm no longer able to believe in true love anymore. I'm tainted by so many words from the past it's ridiculous.

Just an example from today, i wore a top my ex said was damn weird, questioning me why i always wear such weird outfits. I never once wore it again (and this goes for so many other clothes i had). It's only my second time wearing it since he said it was weird and i got that top like 1 over year ago. It took me so long just to decide whether to wear it cause all that came to my mind when i held the top in my hands was "why do you wear such weird outfits".

Boyfriend and i had a movie marathon today. I was so alert during all 3 movies we watched. I used to have the habit of daydreaming after awhile and maybe miss mini details of the movie/anime cause i'm tired or the movie is just plain boring, so i'll question like who is this guy or whatever, but my ex would say things like "wtf you watch already then you also never catch it then you watch for what?" or he'll accuse me for not truly having interest in the movie and then ever since that incident he said things like "aiya you watch already also won't understand" etc so we end up not watching the movie at all cause i'm a dumb fuck who can't understand a single shit in his opinion. Even just watching a movie now is so stressful for me. Even though i know my current boyfriend wouldn't ever say such a thing to me, but i don't even want such thoughts to cross his mind. I never EVER want to be seen as a dumb fuck with no common sense (as my ex always says) in my boyfriend's eyes.

Boyfriend likes to push my fringe up, i dont know for what reason actually. I act as if he's trying to cut me with a knife or something i just immediately turn my head down or shove his hand away or whatever just to avoid my fringe being lifted up. I can never forget the one fine day, around 2 years back when my ex and i were supposed to go to jurong with his friends for some work thing after my school but after we met up at bishan, he just asked me to go home (actually he just begged me not to go with him,he doesnt really care where the fuck i go) cause i looked too ugly with my fringe up. LOL that didn't hurt my feelings at all cause i have no feelings in his opinion. I won't forget how i rushed home to bathe so i could put my fringe down and then cab all the way to jurong from bishan. If i didn't remember wrongly it was around 1pm and the cab fare cost me around $20. I'm still ok with my friends who have seen me without my fringe, see me without my fringe. But ever since that incident, i'm not ok with people who have never seen me without my fringe, see me without my fringe. I'll only remember that it's hideous. If the wind blows my hair, i must make sure my fringe is plastered to my forehead. If my hair is screwed up, i need to wash it so my fringe is in place. If my boyfriend wants to see my fringe up, he has to kill me first. That's just how i feel. If my boyfriend ever says i look fine without my fringe i'll probably just think that he's trying to make me feel better.

People always have the impression of me being rather carefree and simple-minded. They have the impression that i don't think very deep but they don't know what the fuck goes through my head. Just moving on to a new relationship and being so happy, but they don't even know how i'm still so fucking affected in every way. They really think it's so easy? Why not you try being in such a relationship for 4 years and tell me if you can just be carefree and absolutely unaffected even when you've moved on. I'm so affected in every single way. Everything that i do has a disgusting tainted memory to it. Just 1 simple day spent with my boyfriend today and i can list out 3 examples of how i became so much more self conscious and there's actually more than just that from today. So so so many examples but i don't want to type out those terrible memories cause they're really just too...cruel. Yes, cruel.

Those days whereby i could just go like "aww" when my exes says super sweet stuff and feel only happiness inside is GONE. I have so much fear, so much doubt in everything that is too good to be true every single day. I can't keep the negative thoughts out anymore even if i don't mention them.

I just feel so bad towards my boyfriend having doubts in him even though he's by far the most sincere person that i've ever known of. He really means everything that he says and by doubting him i'm just hurting him and hurting myself at the same time. It's been almost 2 months since we got together but until now things haven't gotten any better. He doesn't like seeing me with my low self esteem but i just can't help it. My low self esteem and all my doubts are really just affecting my relationship so much. I HATE IT.

I'm dying for amnesia, i really am. I just want all that bullshit memories wiped out. How do i forget such things when they hurt me so much? I don't even know if they will go away. I'm just extremely afraid they wouldnt. I still remember all those cruel things said and done even from 3 years back when that relationship first started off. I can remember them word for word.

Honestly speaking, i dont care that much if i have low self esteem and i doubt everything, hurting only myself.but being this way affects my relationship so much and i've hurt my boyfriend so much just being this way. All the fucking nasty negative thoughts that cross my mind come to me automatically. What do i do? What can i do?

Updates

HEY YALL

Yet again i've been damn busy with various impromptu plans with boyfriend but this time round we've been having more and more limited choices cause we're seriously running out of cash LOL.sigh,i havent been like this in quite awhile.didn't know money could run out this fast. I still have a whole lot of things i want to do with him :/

Anw,i redyed my hair red on monday and marissa helped me with it! really love my hair especially after the first week after dyeing it.i didn't have to bleach my hair again cause i bleached it 2 months back so its super easy,but i'm thinking of trying out a new colour after this hm.

Mar wanted grey hair but that turned out really badly :( i bleached her hair first using gatsby and the colour was orange (its always like this after you bleach) but i applied it unevenly...so like her hair was more orange on certain parts than others.I'M SORRY MAR.
After bleaching we tried to dye her hair grey with the gatsby hair dye but it only made her hair brown wtf.the instructions stated to put it on for 30 mins and she put the dye for almost an hr leh.I WAS PRAYING HARD IT'LL WORK OUT SO THE UNEVEN BLEACHING ISN'T OBVIOUS...damn it lol.

Honestly my hair's bleaching wasn't done perfectly but the red dye made it seem ok so lesson learnt,don't use gatsby dye.

Photos just from sunday's date to esplanade

Why he haz such brown eyes i no haz

we always have so many nice photos together it is damn hard for me to choose which to use as my profile pictures/post on instagram etc.
i dont know if it's just me,but i always look fucking happy when i take pictures with boyfriend.he just makes me that happy so i guess it's reflected in pictures taken together? :)

We've been doing the simplest things together but i enjoy every bit of it.for example on friday we went to my grandma's for the whole evening,just talking and having dinner with her but it was filled with laughter and fun (mostly cause of my poor chinese/hokkien).

On saturday we woke up damn early at 5am to go for a 5km charity walk with his dad after having breakfast. The event was at town and we had to walk the 5km barefoot LOL.it was rather painful especially when walking on the rough pavements long enough,and the tiny rocks get stuck to your feet and you push it deeper into your skin every step you take....hurts just typing about it.

Idk leh i would have never thought i'll enjoy such an event. Like why would i ever enjoy such a thing when i practically didn't sleep the night before plus its in the hot sun for hours plus it's barefoot?

Just the simplest things done together and i'll enjoy myself. I just never thought a relationship could be like this :) I'll never forget how my ex used to say that spending time at my granny's is like wasting his whole afternoon away even though it was just that 1 time visiting her in a long while.i can safely say now that it's all different.

I love everything about my relationship with ritche. It's like the dream relationship really. I was watching Safe Haven and The Vow with him just now and there was nothing to be envious over the couples in the movies. I can just look at them and think to myself how our relationship is even better on so many levels. I used to watch love movies and think to myself how this only happens in movies, or just super rare, lucky and loving couples or it only happens during the first month of a relationship. Now i know such relationships exist.

I'm not saying all of this because it's the honeymoon period or whatever shit you want to call it but i've never been so connected to someone before. We don't even need to say a thing and most of the time we already know what's on each others' minds, like...telepathy. I dont even know how it's possible.

I think the thing i like most about us is how i'm always able to be myself around him and vice versa. I always speak my mind, saying really my true opinions, wearing whatever i like cause he doesn't care about what i wear. It's just the total opposite in comparison to the past haha.

You're truly the best, Ritche Lance :)